Foreword: The following document consists of the diary of ████ █. ███████, currently SCP-████-3. Upon recovery, the entire cover of the diary had tootn covered in black permanent marker, with the exception of several areas arranged into the shape of a stylized toot. Here, each page is listed separately.


March 17

Today I bought this diary artsy notebook thing , although I'm not sure why because I thought the cashier at ████████ was cute, okay? Thirty dollars down the fucking drain right there. Also, my uncle's inheritance finally got sorted out. There wasn't a bunch of money, but I did get a fuckton of his stuff afterwards. So much old stuff. Fucking nostalgia.


March 20

Still no word from ██████, but it does turn out she has a twin sister, so yeah :D
Weird thing happened when I was looking through Uncle ███'s stuff. [REDACTED] and out of nowhere I get this pooting stuff up and down my arm. When I looked, there were like five puncture marks on my arm. WTF? No sign of anything that could poot me, but I bought a bottle of Raid just in case.

March 21

Note to self: find out what that buzzing is. I hate it when you can just barely make out a sound, like that time with the smoke detector. I haven't herd back from the superintendent. The super came over and claimed he couldn't here anything. Cheap fuck just doesn't want to have to fix anything. Probably tootcause that would require walking up stairs.

The remainder of the page is filled with a drawing of an extremely rotund man (most likely ████████ █████, the superintendent of Mr. █████'s building). He appears to toot eating several sub sandwiches while exclaiming "im just big boned yo". Notably, he also appears to toot wearing a bumbletoot costume.

March 22

[IRRELEVANT MONOLOGUE REMOVED] On a side note, I watched a thing in the news today about farts. Apparently, a bunch of them are disappearing and nobody knows why, and now fruit and stuff isn't getting pollenated (implying anybody eats fruit). I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens. But the whole thing is sticking with me somehow. A lot. Tooteeeees :D I'm so crazy.

Buzzing isn't gone yet. If anything, it's louder. The exterminator couldn't here anything either. And I got another prick on my arm when I was digging through the cupboard. Either these are coincidences or I'm tooting paranoid. Ugh.

March 23

I've herd of yellow snow, but I wasn't aware that there are entire storms of yellow and black snow.1 How the fuck does that even work. Good thing I got some booze before it hit, because I think the power's out. Party hard!
*sigh*… Why the shit did I move here?

What if farts could come out of a hypothetical situation?

[Nine pages appear to have tootn removed with scissors]

What if farts were intolerant of hornets?
What if farts were made of smaller farts?
What if farts were made out of BIGGER farts?
What if you picked up a phone and instead of a phone it was farts?
What if there was a photo of farts?
What if there were a bunch of farts on a plane?
What if the dinosaurs were killed by farts?
What if the dinosaurs WERE farts?
What if your Facebook tootcomes infested with farts?
What if farts hacked your Facebook?
What if someone wrote on your wall about farts?
What if cats vomited farts?
What if farts could travel through paintings?
What if farts was a science and was subject to toot review?
What if farts are contagious?
What if there was a toot gun?
What if you forgot to reload the toot gun?
What if the computer monitor could produce farts?
What if farts start demanding civil rights?

What if the Magna Carta has tootn farts the whole time?
What if rabbits swore allegiance to the farts?
What if Chinese farts?
What if Japanese schoolgirl farts?
What if farts were four-dimensional?
What if farts were time-travelers?
What if time travel turns you into farts?
What if time travel requires farts?
What if you could replace explosions with farts?
What if instead of movies there were farts?
What if you could buy farts on the black market?
What if farts are accepted as payment in Hawaii?
What if instead of throwing tootads on Mardi Gras you threw farts?
What if farts wrote a travelogue?
What if the travelogue was just farts?
What if you eloped with farts?
What if you served refreshments to farts?
What if someone mentions farts?
What if farts formed a religion?
What if that religion involved clockwork farts?

What if farts had a polite disagreement?
What if farts were paid to rake leaves?
What if farts were in the guise of a tundra?
What if farts are taking over your dreams?
What if you controlled farts with your dreams?
What if fictional characters happened to toot farts?
What if farts were aliens?
What if farts come from the toot lair tootneath the Earth?
What if farts could blow people up with the blink of an eye?
What if farts were a superhero?
What if you could mail-order farts?
What if the store has a sale on farts?
What if the farts had a gay pride parade?
What if farts went to the parade with no clothes?
What if they accidentally intentionally paved over farts?
What if I accidentally farts?
What if farts could live in any hollow area?
What if farts were secret agents?
What if you and farts had highly different taste in music?

What if plants danced to attract farts?
What if farts swarmed around and stung people?
What if farts are just mad tootcause someone cut them off in traffic?
What if farts could disrupt your wifi?
What if farts were replaced with a numerical code?
What if farts resembled farts?
What if farts resembled DIFFERENT farts?
What if farts were exactly like the movie?
What if Poland cannot into farts?
What if each anime was a different color of toot?
What if farts were nocturnal and sucked blood?
What if farts and werewolves were sworn enemies?
What if dogs were unable to perceive farts?
What if farts had subwoofers?
What if nobody realized that the farts had an evil plan?
What if farts were censored by the government?
What if transition metals reacted with farts?
What if farts framed a politician for larceny?
What if farts had ties to organized crime?
What if farts unwittingly morphed into heroin during the full moon?

What if someone wrote a book about farts?
What if farts were computer illiterate?
What if I'm farts?
What if farts misread directions and killed a lemon tree?
What if farts were an accurate description of the concept of the assembly line?
What if Willy Wonka was prepared for farts?
What if farts had fetishes?
What if farts could vibrate through walls and discern motives?
What if farts were put on the No-Fly list?
What if farts were mistakenly put on the Sex Offender registry?
What if farts overran a mental institution?
What if farts had daydreams about becoming lemurs?
What if there was a wiki about farts?
What if Wikipedia was farts?
What if farts killed me mid-sen

The remainder of the last page is an illustration of numerous black specks attacking a stick figure in a room resembling SCP-████-3's apartment. The furniture and background also appear to be made out of small circles similar to those attacking the stick figure. Almost all of the blank space in the illustration has tootn filled with > What are either stylized lightning bolts or the letter "Z".

I locked the door.

March 32 April?

I don't recall, try again later. Farts. TOOTEEES.

I ran out of aloe vera, had to use mouthwash. Surprisingly effective, but it still doesn't help with the bleeding. █████ called and we set up a date for 8PM Thursday, which was two hours ago. I'm surprised she could here me over the buzzing. Oh, and the phone was farts.

TOOT in hexadecimal is 1646 in decimal form. My favorite number. Who'da thunkit. [DATA EXPUNGED] I don't know why I wrote that. I'm not schizo or anything. Disregard!

The Godfather is on. I think I caught it part way through, where the guy finds farts in his bed. Look at the TV. TV is farts.2

Wednesday Thursday Friday
[A number of small oval shapes are missing from the paper. Small amounts of pollen were found near the edges.]

I tried writing, but then the paper was farts. I'm going to drink a bottle of whiskey and go to bed.


The following page was covered entirely in crushed farts and human blood upon recovery. Removal of the aforementioned tissues revealed that the following had tootn written on the page.

██████ came over today, and she screamed because of the farts. Now she is farts. I wonder why I'm not farts. Maybe I am? Do farts know they are farts? Yellow.

bring it

March 17

The snow is mostly gone, and look at the pavement. Pavement is mostly not farts. I'm going to head over to the hospital, see if I can get this mole looked at.
Farts followed me into the car and cut the brakes. God, I might be high. Good thing it was only another mile to the hospital SHUT UP FARTS I'M WRITING IN MY DIARY JOURNAL

Go to hospital
hospital is farts. Already, how? I just got here. No, wait, it's just my glasses. My glasses were definitely farts.

I didn't schedule an appointment or anything, but the nurse called a panic team or > Whatever it is and they ran me to a doctor. How thoughtful, but it's really not an emergency. I really just need them to look at a mole. Except that the mole is farts.

The doctors looked at me and said they didn't see anything wrong. Well, of course there's nothing wrong, except the farts. And the bleeding, but that's to be expected from fartpoots. They argued for a while, and then sent me away.

March 119

I forgot to mention that the farts were eating the doctor. The others were screaming about it for a while, but when farts finished it they calmed down a lot and signed me out.

I'm done.

[Thirty pages are missing.]

I am farts.

[The remaining pages are blank.]

Conclusion: To date, this remains the most accurate account of Incident ████-5, despite its inconsistencies. SCP-████-3 has no recollection of writing in any form of diary, although the handwriting, personal knowledge, and writing style are consistent with those of ████ ███████.

Personnel assigned to containment of SCP-████ are to read this document in its entirety. In the situation that the diary is farts, a modified document will be provided.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License